We all have moments of great shame and guilt, no more so than as parents!
I have had many of these moments since my son's birth four years ago; the most recent came at two o'clock in the morning when, in a hazy half-sleep stupor, I cursed at my precious boy! This night came after a string of sleepless nights. Going to bed late, waking up early, and still co-sleeping with my little guy have left me exhausted! After months of sleeping soundly, without stir for twelve-straight hours, my son has been going through a restless phase.
Sometime between two o'clock and four o'clock every morning, his tossing and turning and thrashing around has been waking me up. So, when the blankets came flying off me one early, frigid morning, I screamed out in agitation, "Damn it! You're always fucking doing this to me!"
Yeah, my jaw dropped, too! I instantly emerged from the fog and grabbed my son in horror, apologizing profusely! I couldn't believe those words had hurled out of my mouth towards my son, the jewel of my life! I held him for a few minutes and allowed my horror to dissipate, as we both drifted off back to sleep.
Thankfully, that particular night, I was able to fall back asleep but fitfully, at best. When my son and I awoke that morning, I asked him if he remembered Mommy getting mad at him. He remembered! I again apologized, telling him how sorry Mommy felt for yelling at him. And, do you know what he said to me? He said, "It's okay, Mom. No matter how mad you get, I always love you."